The end of the year is upon us and most of us find ourselves reflecting on the year behind us while planning for the one ahead. 2019 was a year of MAJOR changes in my life. This is the year we found out we were having twin boys, it’s the year I learned the limits of my body and mind, and it is the year I was forced to learn to slow down. So much goodness came out of the dark days and it is worthy of sharing.
We started off the year aware that we were having twins but had no idea who the little humans would be. In March with our closest friends and family and all of you watching via Instagram we held our gender reveal party to find out we were having two baby boys. I felt so many emotions- shock & disbelief at the top of my list. This was all new territory for me having been a girl mom for 8 years of my life. Nonetheless we were so joyful and excited for this new journey.
Half of the year I watched my body grow and grow and grow. My belly grew rounder and my body slowed down-something I am not very good at. I spent the last month of my pregnancy limiting my physical activity and with my husband working from home to help me with my day to day responsibilities.
During those months of my pregnancy I hustled and hustled. I learned to value my work and to not be afraid to ask and pitch myself to companies. I learned that I had a unique story to tell and that I needed to embrace it & share it. Lia was discharged from speech therapy which was such a joy for us as parents, we were finally able to understand her!
Before we knew it July had made its way to us and the birth of the boys was around the corner. I spent the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy in absolute discomfort & even crying because of it at times. But on July 17th I waddled my way into Labor & Delivery- I made it to my 39 week scheduled c-section! That day I felt so proud of what my body had been able to do. I learned to listen to my body and follow what it needed- something that without this pregnancy I would not have been able to do.
With the birth of Lincoln and Lucas came a whole new life- something that I don’t think I could have ever properly planned for. I learned that the information and resources for parents of multiples is so limited (which is why I plan to focus a lot on my experiences and what I have learned). I learned that the happiness and well being of my kids did not depend on being breastfed. I learned to take into account the overall well being of my family as a whole and not just of these two new humans. With that I had to heal my own guilt and feelings of incompetence.
Following their birth came some dark days, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety and began therapy. I took the advice and tools provided to me by my mental health team and focused on healing. It was tough to admit something was wrong, and even tougher to admit I needed help- but I did it. In large part I felt like I had to be brave for all of you. I needed to be able to not just say it out loud but to seek the help I needed. So many of us suffer in silence and with this idea that it will just pass only to find ourselves feeling completely alone. I wanted you all to know that I am here and it is going to be okay.
Postpartum depression and anxiety taught me to listen to my mental health. I had learned to listen to my body but I pushed my mind to breaking points. I wanted to be this perfect example of a mom who does it all only to find myself breaking down & lost. I learned that the expectations of what I felt needed to get done and what actually needed to get done were different. My kids need love not an immaculate home. My kids need to explore. My kids need me to play with them. My kids need hugs. My kids need kisses. My kids need love.
2019 was a year of growth for me. Not just in the business sense, because I was given the opportunity to partner with brands so close and dear to my heart…but in a personal sense. That personal growth fueled my growth in business as well. I am more willing to share my stories and my struggles and in hopes maybe help someone along the way. This was the year I feel I got to truly know who I am.
I still have so much to learn and heal, but I will be okay. 2020 will be a year of healing, a year of continued growth and a year of so much love.
Thank you for sticking around this year to watch me grow and fall and lift myself back up. I wish you all the best during this holiday season and cheers to 2020!